Fantasy Leagues

It’s amazing how we Americans can take something very simple, contort it ten different ways, and make it new and fascinating.  Take football, for example.  You had the forward pass, followed by the spread, then the West Coast offense.  On defense, you went from the 4-3, to the 3-4 to the Cover 2, to whatever Bill Belichik could dream up next.

Not only did play improve, but safety did, too.  Cloth helmets gave way to real helmets with face guards.  Pads were introduced.  Then we added penalities to regulate the game and protect the players.

Not only are things more interesting for the athletes, but fans have devised new and more exciting ways to watch the game as well.  If we go to the game, we tailgate, and maybe end up at the bar afterwards.   At home, we have the huge plasma screen, and entertain our friends for twenty-something consecutive Sundays as though we could afford to party all the time.

Even the geeks have found ways to improve their participation and enjoyment in the game.  First, it was Strat-o-Matic, then fantasy leagues.  We not only followed our favorite team, but found reasons to follow the other thirty-one teams regardless of how good or bad they were.  We hold mock drafts.  We trade up and down in the draft.  We even join a second or third fantasy league if we can’t get enough.

Thanks to Roger Goodell and Jim Irsay, however, we’ve come to realize that one more component needs to be added to this fantasy league bonanza.  We missed it all this time.  Why?  Because we were selfish.  We wanted OUR team to win.  We wanted OUR players to do well.  We wanted to win our fantasy league championship.

How self-centered of us?  We were missing out on the most important part of professional football.

What is that, you say?

Political affiliation.

Yep, that’s right.  Starting next year, YoHoo Sports is upgrading its fantasy football leagues to include a “political beliefs” factor for each player.  Within each fantasy league, this “political beliefs” factor will be multiplied to a player’s (individual stats) or team’s (defense) fantasy stats to determine the true points earned by each fantasy team.  Say you have Big Ben on your team, and say he is conservative.  His political beliefs factor may read .2, meaning each point he earns during the game is only worth .2 the total points.  On the other hand, Chad Ochocinco’s 1.8 rating (highly liberal) would earn him more game points.

It’s a risk some fantasy team owners may be willing to take.  Sure, it makes it difficult for owners to select conservative players, but that’s not a problem.  As the fantasy league market starts to make an impact on the pro football level, owners and GM’s will quickly learn that it is wise for them not to select conservative athletes for their teams at all.  Everybody wins – the fans, the league, and the owners.  Everybody, of course, except for the exceptional conservative athletes.

Help Wanted

U. S. Citizens:

Are you unemployed, but willing to take a risk in order to dramatically increase your income?  How would you like to earn a solid $170,000 per year, and pay no federal taxes, Medicare or Social Security taxes?  And how about a pension that pays you your full salary, year after year, after you are vested?

Sound too easy?  Really, it’s not a get rich quick scheme.  It takes work.

Can you:

• Ask people to give you money?
• Convince people that they need you, and that their “investment” in you will make them feel good?
• Sound as though you are a subject matter expert on topics varying from education, to defense, to the Constitution, even if you know nothing at all about them?
• Become righteously indignant at the drop of a hat, even if you agree with the statement being made?
• Call people names, ignore them, and belittle them, even though you are ignorant on the subjects they address?
• Pose for cameras, smile, and speak only in rehearsed, five-to-ten word responses?

Are you at least twenty-five years old and a citizen of the United States?  Then this job opportunity is available to you.

No experience is needed to qualify for this position.  Just the desire to succeed, flexibility with your principles, and disregard for the social norms firmly established over two centuries.

Interested?  Call 1-888-264-7377 to learn more about this great opportunity.  Operators are standing by to take your information and hook you up with a representative in your area.

We wish you luck and riches in your new endeavor.

Lucifer Recruiting, LLC

Democrats preferred, RINOs and Muslims accepted.  Christians, Conservatives, Constitutionalists, and Libertarians need not apply.

All Is Right With the World

Ah, January 20, 2009. I woke up this morning without much effort. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and I had not a care in the world. My working day was great. Everyone got along, there was no complaining, no politicking, no blame games. It was a wonderful day.

And what was it that I heard outside of my own little world? There was no fighting in Darfur. The oppressor Israel stopped bombing Hamas, and poor, downtrodden Hamas stopped retaliating. Iran chose to stop building its nuclear program, because they simply decided that they wouldn’t need it any more.  The Taliban chose to stop fighting in Afghanistan, offered to give up Bin Laden, and ceased their their use of the opium trades to fund themselves – how’s that for hitting the trifecta?  And Pakistan and India started second level talks on a peace treaty between their two countries.

At home, the Big 3 chose to reject their bailout packages, and the unions decided to downsize their administrative layers and partner with the corporations.

As I said, it was a beautiful day. I would like to thank our federal elected officials from long ago, who had the foresight to schedule Martin Luther King Day on the Monday before Inauguration Day, where only Barack Obama could do justice to both holidays. Yes, President Obama is in the House, and all is right with the world. Never mind that he has accomplished nothing yet, and that he has not had a taste of true adversity. President Obama is already the greatest President America ever had; the next seven years and 364.25 days are a mere formality.

New Management Technique

The fantabulous SMISLT staff has conducted weeks, months, years of exhaustive research on the topic of organizational studies and management styles.  They studied professionals like Tom Peters, and motivational speakers like Anthony Robbins.  They’ve read countless “books of the month” on the topic.  They know their stuff.

And they know there are organizational and management styles that you are not supposed to learn of.

You’ve heard of MBWA – Management by Walking Around.  Or, as the SMISLT editor sometimes says, “Management by Wandering Aimlessly”.  The SMISLT staff uncovered a more practiced, less labeled approach that seems to be more effective:

MBV – Management by Vice

Some of the most effective managers and teams, from a purely anecdotal perspective (since no one would go on record), are those that have similar vices.  Employees that smoke get much more personal time and attention from their supervisor if their supervisor also smokes; smoking breaks seem to be an effective way to get mentoring and guidance from your manager.

Drinking also seems to work.  Not that people drink at work that much any more, but the “happy hour team meeting” also garners good will and favor from the manager.  It’s easy to like someone you should hate after you’ve slammed down a beer or two – or a few Jaegerbombs – with them.

The editors are certain that the same trend occurs with sex and drugs, but were wise enough not to foray into those dynamics.

But what if you are, say, a prude?  You don’t drink.  You don’t smoke.  You aren’t a druggie.  And you carry on a monagomous relationship with your spouse.  How do you get ahead in today’s corporate world?

Recommendation #1:  Stop it.

You are killing your career while thinking only of yourself.  Holding your family in high esteem, respecting yourself, and maintaining your health are overrated.  So what if you converse with your boss regularly in his or her office, submit your status reports on time, and dot your I’s and cross your T’s in everything you do?  You are losing valuable personal time.

Recommendation #2: Identify a vice of choice, and be not so discreet in letting your boss learn of it

Think of the minutes – hours! – of additional mentoring you could have from your boss?  The SMISLT staff will warn you, though…if you select the wrong vice, this tactic could backfire on you.  The best thing to do would be to lurk at enough of these 1-on-1 interactions.  Invite yourself to your boss’s smoke break(s) to discuss business and personal matters.  Find a way to get yourself invited to the after hour gab sessions, and go!   Make drug references that make it sound like you have experience.  Talk about how you and your spouse are having a rough go of it – even if it’s not true!  You have to locate your boss’s hot button.  After you have repeated this exercise 2-3 times per vice, you will know which ones pique his or her interest.

And finally, if you are still above sucking up to your boss via these proven methods: Do a bad job.  Stop being so good.  You don’t get attention for your good work anyway.  They just pile on.  The other guys get hounded, cajoled, embarrassed.  But look at how much counseling they get.  And they do just enough right not to get fired, right?

But don’t tell your boss…or your HR director…who gave you this information.

Your future is in your hands.  It’s up to you!  Go for it!