So Many Idiots, So Little Time

In order to be all things to all people, let’s just forget color altogether.

Wait a second, you can’t do that.  Black is the absence of all color.

Darn, so much for that.  Okay, then we’ll go with all colors.

Can’t do that, either.  White is the presence of all color.

Okay, I got one on you then.  Let’s diffuse all colors through the prism.  That way, we see each color for what it is on its own: distinct, beautiful, independent.  Forget about the frequencies working together to give us beautiful light.  That’s racist.  See, when things or people work together, they give up their individuality.  We just can’t do that; we must let everyone be themselves.

It’s then in the best interest for us to include color in everything we discuss.  How do we do that without making it look racist?  That’s easy: replace “black” and “white” with “rainbow”.

So, when John Wiley Price, Dallas Commissioner, got offended by the term “black hole“, maybe his counterpart, Kenneth Mayfield, should have called it a “rainbow hole”.

Let me try this in a language John Wiley Price may understand:

Yo, homey.  You ain’t nuthin.  You ain’t keepin’ it real.  Yu’z dissin the crew.  Black hole, dude! It’s a science term.  Know what I’m sayin’?

John Wiley Price, you are the Idiot of the Week.  You’re so dumb, you don’t deserve the prize.

Then there’s Jessie Jackson…too dumb to know a mic was on?  Yeah, right.  How dare Obama declare black - I mean “rainbow” - adults responsible for their actions.  It flies totally in the face of everything Jackson has build for himsel…er, for the repressed people of color.  Jessie, you would also get a lifetime Idiot achievement award if I offered it.

Then there are the folks freaking out teenagers and adults over wealth redistribution - I mean, global warming.

You’re all dumb and manipulative.  None of you deserve the award.  I don’t care if you’re rainbow, rainbow, or rainbow.   Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ya gotta love this disposable world of ours.  Don’t like something?  Throw it out, and buy a better replacement.  Tired of following a losing sports team?  Change allegiances to a front-runner?  Can’t afford your house?  Simply walk away.

And then you have Madonna, A-Rod and Christine Brinkley.  Something wrong with your marriage?  The answer is simple: throw it away and try again.  Or simply test the market to see if something better is out there.

I’m not saying that Brinkley’s fourth husband was in the right.  He’s an idiot, too.  It is not my intent to comment on those divorce proceedings.

We have so many choices, so many options, that we stop discerning - discriminating - about the options, and go with the option that looks/feels/sounds/smells the best.  Heck with what’s best in the long term; there is no “long term” any more.  We can merely replace the object or relationship that is no longer to our liking.

Don’t think we’ve lost our ability to discriminate?  Look at our two presidential candidates.  And look at how we “church shop”.  ‘Nuff said.

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Now, on to this week’s topics, which may provide us with our Idiots of the Week:

1. The climate change delusion
2. The hole of a different color
3. The nut job (this one is almost too easy)

Maybe my elementary school science teachers were all wrong.  After all, they taught me about the oxygen/carbon dioxide cycle between animals and plants.  And I guess that there was something incorrect about that, at least I thought so after watching all the environmental science programs on television lately.

Or, maybe, they weren’t dumb after all.  Maybe the scientists that made this “discovery” are the ones that aren’t smarter than a fifth grader.

Since when have we ignored basic science for the sake of politics?  Never mind; don’t answer that.

I thought I had some awesome Idiot of the Week candidates identified last week (see them here).  As much as I’d like to deem the local politicians the winners, and give honorable mentions to gas for sex folks and the “black national anthem” babe, I can’t do it.  Not after hearing what I heard today.

A co-worker of mine in Florida had her car hit by a drunk driver on July 2.  Her car was hit as she was making a left turn, and her driver side door was hit directly.  She was pushed into ongoing traffic, and two other cars were incidentally hit as well.  Her airbag deployed, then her car caught on fire.  Somehow, she got herself out of the passenger side window.  She has neck and back pain, her car is practically totaled, and she’s paying for a rental car out of pocket for now.

So, how does that accident account for a Triumvirate of Idiocy?

Let me explain.  The winners are:

1. The drunk driver, for obvious reasons.
2. The Miami/Dade police.  They showed up an hour after the accident.  By then, the drunk driver was no longer drunk, and passed a breathalizer test.  And because of the location of the accident and the position of the car, the cops couldn’t decide who was at fault, so didn’t cite the driver for the accident.  And they didn’t get him for speeding, either.  They only got him for crashing the red light, then let him go.  Great job, guys.
3. eSurance.com - of the three insurance companies invoked for the accidents, eSurance was the largest carrier.  They are the only ones who haven’t initiated the claim yet, and it is now July 7.  My co-worker was the only person to be injured in the accident, yet has no representation or cash to show for it.  I only know of two people that use eSurance, and I only know of them because they’ve both had horrendous claims service experience.

I normally don’t recommend attorneys be sought out for car accidents, but I think it is preferable in this instance.

My thoughts and prayers go out to my co-worker.

It’s almost Independence Day.  And there’s nothing more patriotic than celebrating the idiocy that freedom brings with it.

Okay, so we really should be celebrating the birth of our great country, and remembering all those who have sacrificed their lives so that people, today, can act like idiots.

Let’s start with the singer who couldn’t sing the Star Spangled Banner.  Oh say, I can’t see what my contract says.

Then we’ll continue with these two bozos.  I haven’t yet determined if they are equally stupid, or if one is more stupid than the other.

Finally, we will consider the only thing more patriotic than baseball, hot dogs and apple pie: big government.  One of Cleveland’s City Council members is recommending that the Council reduce their size by four councilmen, while another says the Council should be reduced by six.  Considering the population of the city continues to decline, this is really a good idea.  Well, at least to those Councilmen who don’t consider it racist.

Happy Independence Day!  Your winners (losers?) will be announced after the holiday.

We would like to interrupt this feature with breaking news…

…the United Nation’s Council on Regulating Athletic Competition has finished conducting its research and is prepared to read its final statement. The Chairperson on C.R.A.C., Mr. Wanet Uptukis, representing Mugnambia, reads the statement (translated here into English):

The Council on Regulating Athletic Competition, established in 2005 to research, study, and make recommendations on the state of youth athletics around the world, has confirmed the disturbing epidemic seen in sports today: teams attempt to win, and some children excel at the sports in which they participate. This will lead to a downfall of civilized nations, and children will learn to forget about equity and fairness as they attempt to excel and outperform others.

In conducting our analysis, we learned, however, that this is really not a problem with the children. Rather, it is the parents that are at fault. Parents present a “do as I say, not as I do” facade when it comes to competition. They “root for the home team” in baseball, cheer against their favorite sports team’s rivals, and even make derogatory statements about other teams. These parents desire and crave victory for their favorite teams.

But this not only applies to sports. Parents register their children for beauty contests, battles of the bands, and spelling bees. They encourage their children to play Guitar Hero and other video games, in which the goal is to accumulate more points than your competition.

Then the parents engage in their own forms of competition. They participate in democratic forms of government by voting for their favorite candidate to win an election. They wish for two-bit dictators to be overthrown. They participate in karaoke competitions in the local bars. They also attempt to earn profit in business and crush their competition, and willingly participate in some strange mating ritual called the “interviewing process”, where they attempt to convince a potential employer of their superiority over other candidates.

This bloodlust for victory is not a favorable sight for the children to see.

Parents have lost the ability to convey the difference between victory and loss, and how each event outcome builds team and individual character. When one child excels, parents are at a loss with how to explain difference in ability to their own children, settling for rationale such as this, “Well, they probably don’t have a pool in their backyard like you do, my little precious. Mommy loves you, even thou you let three ground balls through your legs and missed the cut off man on every throw. Don’t worry, sweetie, we’ll make sure you will be the starting center fielder on your 18-year-old league next year, even though you can’t hit a 50 mph change-up. Mommy thinks you’re the best, and you’re my little all-star!”

Because of the parents’ shortcomings, the representatives on C.R.A.C. decided that we cannot leave it up to the parents any longer. We must change the culture of sports in particular, and of society in general.

In a non-binding resolution, the representatives on C.R.A.C. passed a measure that all competitive events should be banned, starting with political elections, the Olympics, and the World Cup. After successfully eradicating these demons from hell, the Grammys, the Emmys, and any other awards-related events that recognize achievement should be obliterated. And finally, parents should be fined or jailed for registering their children to participate in sports, academic, and talent competitions of any kind. This problem is much more serious than anything, except for global warming.

Only the professionals - the appointed government officials - should be permitted to engage in competition, because they know what is best for society.

We hope for your ongoing, enthusiastic participation in this initiative.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled SMISLT post.

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I heard a story last week that fits perfectly with the rant above, and also applies because this is the week of our Independence Day holiday. The city of Beachwood, OH, a suburb of Cleveland, has a decades-old tradition of playing it city league’s baseball all-star games on July 4. The city’s athletic director must have been on C.R.A.C., because he sent a memorandum to all the city’s baseball team managers, indicating that he was canceling the all-star games.

Was it because of funding? No

Was it because of participation? No

Was it because he is an idiot? YESSSSSSSSSS!

This gentleman decided that it was an affront to the non-all-stars - in other words, the parents have done a crappy job explaining how to be gracious in defeat, and how not everyone was born with the same talents - and that he would rather not play the games than hurt the feelings of the children that were not qualified to participate.

Yep. No kidding. I wish I was.

Mr. Athletic Director of the City of Beachwood, OH, you are this week’s Idiot of the Week. Congratulations!

Welcome to the latest unveiling of our regularly scheduled losers, also known as the Idiots of the Week. This week uncovered some interesting candidates. They all have something in common…love. But love of what? That is the question.

And here are the answers. For the love of …

1. Love - The pregnancy pact - not much to say here, except, where are the parents?!? Can’t they be even a tad involved in the children’s lives?  ***Update: some local politician or high ranking school admin is now saying there was no pact.  However, the high school has its own in-school day care because of all the girls that get pregnant.  I stand by my original questions.
2. Smoking - The diverted flight - I love coffee, I love tea, I love smok…er, wait, we’re on a flight, honey. I guess the alcohol brought you the desired effect.
   
3. Power, #1 - Our lovely Treasury Secretary - the Fed is so good at being an unelected oversight committee for the money industry, that we must absolutely give them oversight of investment firms. Yeah, that will make things better.
4. Power, #2 - Our glorious Congress - we hate and distrust capitalism, so we (i.e. Congress) should control the flow of scarce resources. After all, we are the most noble, highest integrity organization in the world, aren’t we? We always do what’s best for the country.

And finally, Kudos to Haditha Marine Lt. Col. Jeffrey Chessani, as he attempts to give Congressman Murtha his due. I’m tired of incumbent politicians thinking they can get away with saying anything as though it’s some kind of attorney/client privilege. They represent the constituents in their district or their state. If they slander and libel, they should be called out on it and held responsible for it. I don’t know if Lt. Chessani will win, but I wish him luck. Maybe it will make politicians think twice about trying to hold up their personal opinions as being above the law.

If SMISLT were in to giving lifetime idiocy achievement awards, we’d probably start with John Murtha. Since we are not, we will pick from the rest of the lot.

Win - I have to give it to Congress. And Democrats think Republicans are a one-trick pony for relying on Big Oil. Last I remember, windmills weren’t the only source of alternative energy. Oh, I’m sorry, the are the only preferred source. Silly me.

Place - Treasury Secretary Paulson. Anyone who believes that a non-elected oversight body should monitor the free market on investments is crazy. Why don’t we just eliminate the republic altogether? Oops, don’t answer that one.

Show - the smoking lady. If you’re having boy problems, maybe you should find another way to deal with your problems. Like therapy.

But, hey, what about the teenage girls that made the pregnancy pact?

Sorry, that was just too sad to warrant an award. Too many people in the wrong, too many parents uninvolved or just plain missing in action. These girls’ lives will be changed forever. Maybe now, that the parents will become grandparents, they will wake up and realize their parenting is not yet done.

The fantabulous SMISLT staff has conducted weeks, months, years of exhaustive research on the topic of organizational studies and management styles.  They studied professionals like Tom Peters, and motivational speakers like Anthony Robbins.  They’ve read countless “books of the month” on the topic.  They know their stuff.

And they know there are organizational and management styles that you are not supposed to learn of.

You’ve heard of MBWA - Management by Walking Around.  Or, as the SMISLT editor sometimes says, “Management by Wandering Aimlessly”.  The SMISLT staff uncovered a more practiced, less labeled approach that seems to be more effective:

MBV - Management by Vice

Some of the most effective managers and teams, from a purely anecdotal perspective (since no one would go on record), are those that have similar vices.  Employees that smoke get much more personal time and attention from their supervisor if their supervisor also smokes; smoking breaks seem to be an effective way to get mentoring and guidance from your manager.

Drinking also seems to work.  Not that people drink at work that much any more, but the “happy hour team meeting” also garners good will and favor from the manager.  It’s easy to like someone you should hate after you’ve slammed down a beer or two - or a few Jaegerbombs - with them.

The editors are certain that the same trend occurs with sex and drugs, but were wise enough not to foray into those dynamics.

But what if you are, say, a prude?  You don’t drink.  You don’t smoke.  You aren’t a druggie.  And you carry on a monagomous relationship with your spouse.  How do you get ahead in today’s corporate world?

Recommendation #1:  Stop it.

You are killing your career while thinking only of yourself.  Holding your family in high esteem, respecting yourself, and maintaining your health are overrated.  So what if you converse with your boss regularly in his or her office, submit your status reports on time, and dot your I’s and cross your T’s in everything you do?  You are losing valuable personal time.

Recommendation #2: Identify a vice of choice, and be not so discreet in letting your boss learn of it

Think of the minutes - hours! - of additional mentoring you could have from your boss?  The SMISLT staff will warn you, though…if you select the wrong vice, this tactic could backfire on you.  The best thing to do would be to lurk at enough of these 1-on-1 interactions.  Invite yourself to your boss’s smoke break(s) to discuss business and personal matters.  Find a way to get yourself invited to the after hour gab sessions, and go!   Make drug references that make it sound like you have experience.  Talk about how you and your spouse are having a rough go of it - even if it’s not true!  You have to locate your boss’s hot button.  After you have repeated this exercise 2-3 times per vice, you will know which ones pique his or her interest.

And finally, if you are still above sucking up to your boss via these proven methods: Do a bad job.  Stop being so good.  You don’t get attention for your good work anyway.  They just pile on.  The other guys get hounded, cajoled, embarrassed.  But look at how much counseling they get.  And they do just enough right not to get fired, right?

But don’t tell your boss…or your HR director…who gave you this information.

Your future is in your hands.  It’s up to you!  Go for it!

“Everybody knows
that the world is full of stupid people”
Banditos, by The Refreshments

It must be hard being one of the beautiful people. I wouldn’t know. The guy in this story might think he knows. I decline to offer an opinion; after all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Even if the beholder is the local police force that has access to the bus video. How’s that reflection holding up for ya, fella? You’re so vain, you probably think this post is about you.

I wonder how he will look in a zebra suit? Or in bright orange?

Dude, you just became the Idiot of the Week! Congrats, you didn’t even have to steal this award.

You wear it well.

And, the two runners up?  The lady who sudokued her way to a mistrial in Australia.  (Yes, I realize I just verbed a noun.  Oops, I did it again!)  And also, the fine journalist who penned the article, for quoting the bozos that he did.  It’s not enough to simply enjoy the challenge of a puzzle any more, or to attain a sense of accomplishment, is it?  How selfish of us puzzle-people!  I guess that includes all doctors, engineers and computer programmers, too.  And all those geeks at NASA.

Here are the candidates thus far for the current Idiot of the Week awards:

The narcissistic thief

Sudoku fun

Me, for saying this to my daughter dozens of times, yet not being able to explain it even though I once knew the meaning.

Who do you nominate?  If I polled you, who would you vote for out of our three nominees?